


It's not okay

by goolinus



Series: X1 AU [1]
Category: Produce 101 (TV), X1 (Korea Band)
Genre: I miss Junsang, M/M, imagination of Junsang irl, lowkey wooseong, members mentioned - Freeform, more than friendship, please take care of junho, pretending strangers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-30
Updated: 2019-10-30
Packaged: 2021-01-13 03:22:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21237329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goolinus/pseuds/goolinus
Summary: "No! It's not okay! How can this be okay?!"This is the first thing Eunsang heard when he entered Junho's room with Wooseok.





	It's not okay

"No! It's not okay! How can this be okay?!"

This is the first thing Eunsang heard when he entered Junho's room with Wooseok. The boy was crying in Seungwoo and Yohan's arms. They had no idea what was going on with him.

All Eunsang could do was watching them from afar while Wooseok, who was next to him, made a phone call to Yunseong.

**"Eunsang ah, please take care of Junho…"**

He could still remember the words Yunseong told him after he was announced as the last member of the debut lineup. It was a request Eunsang couldn't fulfill…

That was never his will to let the elder down. He understood his concern leaving Junho alone, and he truly wanted to be by his friend's side as he was also debuting on his own, without his hyungs. However, someone stopped him.

It was none other than the new management team of their new agency.

"Aren't you guys too closed? It would be safer if you two keep a distance…you know, avoiding any misunderstandings."

There was a thing called _ship_ among fans and they acknowledged that too. Since they were both popular from the very beginning of the show, people went crazy once they showed their friendship. _Junsang_ was honestly a big thing among all the ships that the trainees couldn't help but notice.

It was beneficial to both of them for the votes and stuff, but once they debuted. Their manager, who actually didn't know them well, doubted the needs of being that lovey-dovey. As they all knew, the ship was HUGE.

They were in that dangerous position where a wrong step might ruined their debut and all the hard work 11 of them put on for the past few months. Any threat to their reputation should be tackled.

Eunsang understood that and so do Junho. Therefore, the way they interact had a 180° change after they stepped out of the office. They seldom talked in public and even avoided each other on purpose.

Few members, especially the hyungs, knew what happened. They respected their decision and appreciated their thoughtfulness.

Eventually, the 'job' of taking care the shy Junho went to Wooseok. The elder became very closed to the Woollim trainees during concept evaluation. Sometimes Eunsang thought maybe Yunseong entrusted Wooseok with the exact same words in their tears and hugs that night.

As he knew the elder did a very great job, they even created a new chemistry that their fans really adored.

Everything was going well, he thought.

One night, Hyungjun stumbled into their upstairs dormitory, pulling Yohan away in a hurry. Dongpyo told him he could hear Junho's name in their short conversations. Things might be serious since the boy looked like he was about to cry.

Eunsang rushed down in his slippers though he had no idea what was actually happening or what he could help. He just couldn't ignore that name and the restlessness in his chest.

He went straight to Junho, Minhee and Hyungjun's shared room and met Wooseok who stood by the door, making a phone call.

He mentioned on the phone that Junho had a little mental breakdown, which was a very rare view of the robot boy. Junho seldom reacted dramatically, even known as emotionless. It was hard to believe the boy crying at the corner was the Cha Junho they knew.

"No…I'm not okay…It's not…okay…" Junho repeated the same words in his sob. His face was covered by Seungwoo's shoulders, so Eunsang assumed he didn't know his present.

He just stood there, listening to them quietly.

"I don't like this…I miss the old days…" The boy whined, just like one of those little mumbling he always had on his own. However, these hurt Eunsang, like cuts by a knife.

As the two elder were busy comforting the crying Junho, Eunsang approached carefully and took the phone on Junho's bed. He was watching videos on YouTube. The screen froze at the scene where he was preparing for the _Me After You_ stage with Seungwoo and Yohan. No wonder Hyungjun went to Yohan first.

It made sense as the boy mentioned he missed the old days, but something just didn't satisfy Eunsang. He wouldn't accept that he was apart from the memories Junho missed, never.

He was right. As he checked the search history, '_Junho Eunsang_' popped up as the most recent one and, in fact, the last dozens of video his friend watched, was about them, just Eunsang and Junho.

There was more. The photos he last saw in the album was also theirs, just the two of them. Those moments they laughed, looking into each other's eyes. They were beautiful and memorable. To be honest, Eunsang missed them too.

"I told him it's okay…I told him I'm okay…I lied…It's never okay…" The mumbles went on. This time Eunsang was sure they were about him. Before he approached the three at the corner, Wooseok tapped his shoulder.

"What are you trying to do?" He whispered.

"What I was entrusted to." Taking care of him.

"Junho yah…" The now black haired Eunsang called his name softly. The said boy noticed his voice then grabbed Yohan shirt, anything in front of him, to cover his face and became super quiet.

After a while, Eunsang finally took over and they were now alone in the bedroom. Junho was forced to leave the corner and was put on his bed. They were now sitting face to face. To reduce his anxiety facing Eunsang, Junho hugged his pillow before opening his mouth.

"You heard everything?"

"Only a little part, why?"

Junho heaved the breath he didn't realize he was holding. Revealing his thoughts to Eunsang was the least thing he want to do at the moment. However, the latter didn't allow that.

"I miss you too." Eunsang said as he took out Junho's phone which showing a picture of them hugging each other. That was when they took their jacket photos for the debut album, the very last photoshoot before they were called to the office.

Junho stayed in silence, resting his chin on the pillow, so the guy in front might not notice his trembling lips. Eunsang had to admit, Junho was great at hiding his emotions, but not when they sitting closely.

"The old days in produce were great. We used to practice together, sleep in the same bed after shower, hold hands…"

"And I never expected to have a friend like you…E-Eunsang ah…" He nearly lost his voice in tears by the end of the sentence. "I really like being with you…"

"Me too."

During the show, they were all chasing their dream like no tomorrow. They just wanted to debut. There were many hard times, but Junho tried to be hopeful, hoping that maybe he can make it to the final.

He did it. Burying in happiness and surprises, he turned and found Eunsang was still standing on the stage. He realized everything became meaningless without Eunsang.

Maybe he weighed their promise much heavier than the others, or maybe he just cared Eunsang too much. The guy had a special place in his heart.

He understood Eunsang's position as X was not easy and he wanted to lighten his weight. He believed they could overcome things together.

However, they got separated and Junho, himself, started to collapse in the waves of pressure.

_'Why's Cha Junho debuting???'_

_'I don't like him. He's useless.'_

_'This team doesn't need him.'_

There were people who adored him, but also some who hated him. These were all expected, so Junho just smiled away and moved on.

Unknowing there were pains and scars left inside him. As time goes by and things getting serious, he couldn't ignore their existence anymore.

"You know, there are times you feel alone though you are surrounded by many people…" Junho said as he tightened his grab on the pillow, carefully staring into Eunsang's eyes. His members love him and he knew that well. He knew Eunsang didn't hate him but he couldn't ignore the pain he received when they needed to act like strangers.

Cha Junho needs Lee Eunsang.

Somehow, Eunsang got this message in Junho's eyes. He could predict this coming when they accepted their manager's suggestion. One of them would collapse without one another. It just that was too soon and the one would fall was the calm Junho who people believed had a strong mentality.

Eunsang pull away Junho's pillow and embrace him. Screwed their manager, screwed that stupid plan. It did no good but harm to both of them anyway.

Junho cried again. This was the hug he missed the most. This was the pill he needed to cure his pain.

They were now lying on the bed side by side like how they used to in Paju.

"Let's end that stupid plan then." Eunsang suggested, both staring at the ceiling. "We don't need that anyway."

"No…" Junho replied, calmly.

"No?" Eunsang frowned. "Isn't it pointless to avoid each other just because people assume we-"

"It's not pointless." Junho cut his sentence. The black haired boy turned to him as his friend sounded like he was about to cry, again.

"It's not pointless…" He repeated, still gluing his eyes on the ceiling. "because they are real. The feelings I had for you…they are all real."

A drop of tear shedded on Junho's face. He could see those lips trembling from the side.

**"I love you, Eunsang ah…"**

Eunsang couldn't remember how he returned to the upper floor. It was until Dohyon asked him for snacks that he realized he had already left Junho's room. He fell on his bed and groaned in frustration.

His friend just confessed to him and he ran away.

A kaokatalk notification popped up.

_'It's okay, Eunsang ah'_

_'I understand.'_

No, It's not okay. How can this be okay?

**Author's Note:**

> Idk why am I writing this at midnight, maybe I missed Junsang too much:(( There might be a next chapter.


End file.
